Overthinking in Dating or Life?
It’s Not Just You (And You’re Not Broken)
You know that feeling when someone takes too long to reply and suddenly your mind has created 37 different scenarios, each more dramatic than the last? Yeah, that. If you’re an overthinker – especially one who’s neurodivergent, shaped by trauma, or just trying to figure life out while feeling everything deeply – I want you to know: you’re not broken. You’re not dramatic. You’re not too much.
You’re in survival mode. And your brain is doing what it was trained to do: trying to protect you.
What Overthinking Really Is
We like to think of overthinking as a mindset problem. But it’s not just a noisy brain. Overthinking is often emotional scanning – a survival strategy where we’re looking for signs of safety (or danger) in people, silence, or situations.
If you’ve lived through rejection, abandonment, or emotional instability, your brain might still be scanning for risk. That “What did I do wrong?” loop? It’s not self-obsession. It’s a nervous system reacting like you’re still in a high-stakes environment.
It’s especially common for people with ADHD, trauma backgrounds, or attachment wounds. And women? We’re often socialised to question ourselves before we question the system.
The Cost of Overthinking
- Losing sleep over things that haven’t even happened
- Replaying one sentence from a conversation for hours
- Doubting your instincts, even when they’re spot-on
- Holding back from saying how you feel in case it scares someone away
Overthinking doesn’t just wear you down mentally. It drains your confidence, messes with your energy, and can make connection feel terrifying.
Overthinking in Relationships
If you’re dating, texting, or even just building new friendships, overthinking can turn every interaction into a mental obstacle course:
- “Should I reply now or wait 15 minutes?”
- “Was that emoji too much?”
- “Do they think I’m needy?”
- “What did they really mean by that?”
When you’re wired to overthink, silence can feel like rejection. Neutral responses can feel like detachment. And instead of enjoying connection, you’re bracing for impact.
I’ve been there. More times than I can count.
What Actually Helps
I won’t insult you with “just stop overthinking” because if it were that simple, you wouldn’t be reading this.
Here’s what has helped me and the women I work with:
- Voice note yourself before messaging someone else. Get the noise out of your head first.
- Name what’s happening. “This is a fear spiral. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong.”
- Write it down. If you’re unsure whether it’s a thought or a fact, write both down. That contrast can be powerful.
- Ground your body. Stretch. Breathe. Walk. Movement reminds your brain you’re safe.
- Humour helps. Sometimes I tell my brain, “Thank you for your TED Talk. I’ll take it from here.”
You’re Not Alone (and You’re Not a Problem to Fix)
Overthinking doesn’t make you weak. It means your mind is trying really hard to keep you safe with the information it has. But now? You get to offer it new information. You get to show it what safety feels like.
So next time you spiral, ask: is this a fact… or a fear?
And if all else fails? Distract yourself. Dance. Call someone. Make tea. Or take a nap – overthinking rarely survives rest.
Want More?
I talk a lot more about this in Episode 2 of my podcast, Dating on High Alert — “Spiralling: When Your Brain Won’t Let You Play It Cool.”
We go deep into:
- Nighttime anxiety
- ADHD & trauma spirals
- Overthinking after dates
- Why we chase people who confuse us
- And how to come back to yourself
Ready to feel less alone in your spirals?
🎧 Listen to Dating on High Alert Episode 2 where we unpack overthinking, emotional spirals, and what actually helps.
And if this resonated…
👉 Share it with someone who overthinks too
👉 Or leave a comment and tell me: what’s one spiral you’ve had lately?
Be kind to your brain. It’s been through a lot. You don’t need fixing. You need space to breathe.
Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.