How Trauma Shapes Our Boundaries:

Finding Safety in Love and Work

Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to say no? Or why you find yourself giving too much in relationships or at work, even when you’re already stretched thin? If you’re anything like me, you might have learned early on that love and safety were things you had to earn – not things you were automatically worthy of. And that’s where trauma shapes our boundaries, even years later.

For many of us, these patterns overlap with ADHD. The impulsivity, rejection sensitivity, and emotional intensity of ADHD can amplify the old stories of trauma, making it even harder to find the balance between giving and protecting ourselves.

The Hidden Influence of Trauma and ADHD

For trauma survivors, boundaries aren’t just about being polite or assertive. They’re about survival. Growing up or living through a situation where your needs didn’t matter – or were actively dismissed – teaches you to put others first. It can become automatic to say “yes,” even when every part of you is screaming “no.”

If you also have ADHD, it’s even more complicated. ADHD brains crave connection and stimulation. We can hyperfocus on helping others, or jump in to please people quickly – often without stopping to ask: is this actually okay for me? We might blur our boundaries just to keep the peace or avoid rejection.

This pattern – overgiving, people-pleasing, hypervigilance – often becomes the invisible legacy of trauma and neurodivergence. We learn to find safety in making sure others are okay – even if it means abandoning ourselves in the process.

Trauma, ADHD & Boundaries in Love

These patterns don’t disappear when we fall in love. In fact, they often intensify. Dating and relationships can be a minefield for trauma survivors and those of us with ADHD. We might:

• Feel the need to be perfect or to hide parts of ourselves
• Feel so driven by rejection sensitivity that we sacrifice our needs
• Confuse intensity with love – because it feels familiar, even if it’s not safe
• Struggle with impulsivity and feel overwhelmed by our own big feelings

Sound familiar? I’ve been there too. It took me years to realise that healthy love doesn’t demand I disappear. It doesn’t thrive on me giving everything away.

Trauma, ADHD & Boundaries at Work

The same patterns show up in our careers. Trauma survivors and people with ADHD often go above and beyond to prove themselves. We’re terrified of being seen as “not enough” or of letting someone down. So we over-deliver, work long hours, and struggle to say no – even when we’re running on empty.

I’ve seen firsthand how crucial it is to stand firm in your values, even at work. A few years ago, I worked in a place where the staff weren’t paid what they were entitled to. It struck a deep chord in me, not just because it was unfair, but because it echoed something I know all too well: what it feels like to have everything stripped away from you.

As a female manager in a male-dominated environment, I had to prove my worth every single day. I took me where I needed to do every job when we were understaffed – no matter how hard or dirty – to gain their trust. And when they did, they also opened up to me, I learned that some were being paid well below minimum wage for up to 12 hours a day. I had proof, but when I approached those above me, they denied it outright and fired me. I was threatened and silenced, and others were too scared to speak up.

But I wouldn’t stand by and watch. My boundary was clear: I will not be part of anything that is unfair or exploitative. Even if it makes me unpopular. Even if it costs me everything. In the end, that behaviour changed – because boundaries are contagious. They challenge people to do better.

Finding Your Safe Boundaries

The good news? Boundaries are not walls – they’re doors we can open and close with intention. Healing starts with recognising the old patterns and giving yourself permission to choose differently.

Here’s how to begin:

✅ Notice your body’s signals – that tight chest, that sinking stomach – those are your cues.
✅ Start small – practice saying “no” in safe situations first.
✅ Remember that ADHD brains can struggle with pausing – so give yourself space to respond instead of react.
✅ Remind yourself: you deserve rest and respect – these are not things you need to earn.
✅ Reach out for support – healing is easier when we’re not alone.

Final Thoughts

If you’re navigating the messy middle of finding boundaries that feel safe – especially if you’re living with the dual weight of trauma and ADHD – know this: you are not alone. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to choose love and work that honour who you really are.

🎧 Want to dive deeper?
Listen to my podcast, “Dating on High Alert,” where I unpack these themes of trauma, ADHD, boundaries, and messy love. Click here to listen now or on Spotify.

💬 Let’s keep the conversation going.
Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below, or reach out to me directly. And if you’d like to work together to rebuild your boundaries and thrive, contact me here. Let’s rebuild together.